The Happy Couple’s Valentine’s Day

By Dr. Bill Roiter

Valentine’s Day comes around once a year and when it does, we focus our attention on how happy we are with the romance in our life.  It’s also a good time to learn about the foundations of happy couple relationships.

Romance is easily defined for us by Hollywood and by the greeting card companies.  Many women often cite An Affair to Remember as a very romantic movie.   Women I asked about the movie’s romance talked about a chance meeting; secrets; a 1950’s trans-Atlantic crossing; love found, lost and then found again; and Cary Grant, of course.  The stuff of fantasies.

But what is romance for today’s experienced couple?  A working psychological definition of romance breaks it out into two parts, a combination of passion and of companionship.  Passion and companionship each play an important role for a romantic couple and the importance of each changes as relationships grow.   The balance of a happy and romantic couple’s passion and companionship shifts as we age and our circumstances change.  Many of my clients are pleasantly surprised that passion can actually grow once they give up their focus on their career and have more time to focus on each other. 

In my work with clients in their 50s, 60s, and beyond, I have found that happy couples tend to see themselves as romantic but that romantic couples may not necessarily be happy.  Romance is one piece of what supports a couple’s happiness but it is not enough to maintain long-term happiness.  The happiest and most romantic couples share five areas in which they excel.  They share:

1. Respect – for how they each live their lives.  Each is able to pursue the life that meets their personal needs and wants.  I know a couple where she loves socializing and spending time with many people and he enjoys quite time with one or two good friends.  They respect the other’s view and actively work to support each other’s preferences.
2. Trust – knowing that their partner is always considering their well-being.  A person knows they can trust a person who is attentive, understanding, open, thoughtful, competent, reliable, honest, and available.  The greater the trust, the greater the romance.
3. Expectations – knowing they hold similar core values and goals.  There is a meaningful hope and plan that comfortably encompasses what each person wants from the other and from their life together.  Complete agreement of expectations is handy but not necessary if they share mutual respect and trust.
4. Enjoyment – they enjoy each other’s company.   Some couples are very happy spending all their time together while most of us enjoy our time together as well as our time apart.  Shared humor and fun feeds both passion and companionship.
5. Resilience – they meet life’s challenges better as a couple than as two individuals. Things go wrong and then you move on.  The better you can recover and learn from a disappointment, illness, or loss, the greater satisfaction and happiness you will find in life.

Every February 14^th the commercial side of Valentine’s Day calls our attention to thoughts of romance, flowers, and candy.  Real romance for experienced couples occurs when they each know and enjoy the other person’s intimate thoughts as well as their intimate desires. This year, take some time together to think about your intimate thoughts and desires then enjoy them with each other.  Happy Valentine’s Day.

About Dr. Bill Roiter

Dr. Bill Roiter, based on Cape Cod, MA, has studied the psychological effects of retirement over the past 30 years. His research was compiled into his most recent book Beyond Work: How Accomplished People Retire Successfully (Wiley 2008), recipient of a Gold Medal in Retirement Planning from the Axiom Business Book Awards. Dr. Roiter’s professional training includes a bachelor’s, master’s, and doctoral degree from Boston University and post-doctoral training and teaching at Harvard University. He is a Clinical Instructor at the Harvard Medical School and he teaches executive coaching to professionals looking to develop this expertise. Learn more at www.BeyondWork.net.